Top Banana
by Scribbler
Summary: Set in 1920s London, the nice-but-dim detective, Jimmy Blond, along with his partner, Cat Spark, must solve the case of the Hoover kidnapping
1. Scene One ~ The Monkeys' Hideout

"TOP BANANA" By Scribbler  
  
PRINCIPAL CHARACTERS:  
The Boss ~ Leader of 'The Monkeys' and self-confessed evil genius  
of the outfit.  
Big Louie ~ A no-brainer flunky from New York.  
Miss Poppy ~ Drunken Londoner who hooked up with 'The Monkeys' for   
money  
Miss Hoover ~ A Wealthy but arrogant damsel-in-distress  
Jimmy Blond ~ Nice but ultimately rather thick detective; hero of   
the piece  
Cat Spark ~ His sharp-witted and highly ambitious partner  
Bartender ~ Self-explanatory really; knows every mob in London   
- personally  
  
SETTING: London, England  
TIME PERIOD: 1920s  
GENRE: Comedy Spoof  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This was a play I wrote 4 my Theatre studies exam in   
Summer 2001. It is an original piece, so no plagiarizing please, else  
I shall not be held responsible 4 my actions. Review please, it's my   
first attempt at comedy.  
Bon appetite!  
  
SCENE ONE ~ The Monkeys' Hideout  
  
(Dark Stage, then one spotlight comes up on figure in centre of stage. It is Lady Hyacinth Pricilla Constance Hoover, and she is wearing a great deal of finery that suggests her wealthy and important status in society. She is gagged and tied to a chair, and appears quite frightened at her current predicament.  
Enter stage left The Boss and Big Louie, they are engaged in a conversation as they enter and Lady Hoover looks up at them as they approach. As they are speaking they walk down stage in front of Lady Hoover and pause here to continue their talk. The Boss speaks first)  
  
BOSS: I can't believe that even after explaining everything you still managed to screw things up!  
  
LOUIE: I'm sorry Boss  
  
BOSS: Sorry ain't good enough Louie! Now I'm down one client because you forgot that the cement shoes come after non-payment! I told you I don't know how many times, first you crack the knuckles, then the knees, then they get the whole new cement wardrobe, not before!!!!  
  
LOUIE: I said I'm sorry Boss.  
  
BOSS: Ach! I dunno why I brought you with me to England Louie! You're hardly the kinda guy I want running my new empire! You ain't even got two brain cells to rub together, ya dumb lunkhead! Thinking too hard probably gives you a headache.  
  
LOUIE: You said it Boss.  
  
The Boss looks disgustedly at Louie, then raises his fist as if to strike at his flunky, who jumps backwards away from his disgruntled employer  
  
BOSS: Why I oughta....  
  
LOUIE: Careful Boss! (He glances behind him, and sees Lady Hoover on the chair for the first time since entering the room) Hey Boss, who's that dame over there?   
  
BOSS: That, Louie, is Lady Hyacinth Pricilla Constance Hoover  
  
HOOVER: (Muffled through her gag) It's pronounced, Hoovoir!  
  
LOUIE: Whoa. That's a real mouthful. Is she someone important?  
  
BOSS: She's only the heiress of over 60 million pound sterling! A top dog in British society, worth millions without her inheritance, influential in all the highest financial rings, and even related to royalty!  
  
LOUIE: Royalty!  
  
BOSS: The Pearly King and Queen. That young lady over there, Louie, is our ticket into the big time. No more of this small time stuff! No sir! You can keep your bank raids, loan sharking and petty crimes - we are gonna be runnin the entire gangster ring in the whole of London. And after that, we'll spread until we've taken over every ring and every mob in every town and city the entire of England has to offer! We, are gonna be running this show!!  
  
LOUIE: She's pretty (Pronounced "Purdy")  
  
BOSS: I don't know why I even bother.  
  
LOUIE: But Boss; why is she here?  
  
BOSS: I'd tell you, but your tiny brain would probably explode. He knocks on Louie's head with his fist  
  
LOUIE: Aw, come on Boss, spill. I promise I won't tell anyone, honest.  
  
BOSS: Apart from the fact that you're about as honest as a bank manager, if you told you'd be dead about eight seconds later.  
  
LOUIE: Pretty Please? With a cherry on top?  
  
BOSS: Oh alright, if it'll shut ya up. The Hoover -  
  
HOOVER: Hoovoir!  
  
BOSS: Family keep all their money and precious items in a safe that's buried deep in the family estate. Gold, Jewels, you name it! It's all there in that safe. Kinda like an Aladdin's cave for a hood, and harder to get into than Fort Knox.  
  
LOUIE: There's lots a' guards?  
  
BOSS: No, no guards. But there's a lock on the safe door with a code that only the members of the Hoover Family know. That, my friend is where our pal over there comes in.  
  
LOUIE: Who?  
  
BOSS: Miss Hoover, ya dummy!  
  
LOUIE: Oh.  
  
BOSS: We are gonna ransom her for the code to that safe, plus some other valuable things from the Hoover mansion.  
  
LOUIE: We are Boss? But Boss, what if they don't pay?  
  
BOSS: Oh they'll pay Louie! But just as a little insurance policy, you are gonna convince our guest, Miss Hoover to fess up the code. So we get the dough anyway.  
  
LOUIE: Wow! That's brilliant Boss!  
  
BOSS: That's why I'm the Boss, and you're just one of the knuckleheads that work for me.  
Speaking of knuckleheads, where's that floozy Poppy?  
  
Enter Poppy, running in a drunken manner with a bottle in her hand. She runs towards The Boss and Big Louie, trips, and lands on her face in front of them. When she speaks, she has a thick London accent and talks in the manner of one who is quite drunk  
  
POPPY: Hello Boss.  
  
BOSS: Louie, get her up.  
  
Big Louie helps Miss poppy to her feet, and she leans drunkenly on him. struggling slightly, he holds her up so that she is facing The Boss.  
  
BOSS: Drunk as a skunk! Where ya been Poppy? What am I saying, where have you always been?  
(They say together in unison)  
"Down the road to the pub on the corner. Into the Flying Dutchman for a drink or two."  
Yeah, more likely a drink or two hundred! I dunno why I hired you poppy, there must be hundreds of people with good connections all over this city, and I had to pick one with a drinking problem!  
  
POPPY: (Slurred) It's because of my sparkling personality.  
  
BOSS: I've had better conversations with a fire hydrant! Oh God, you're breath stinks! Poppy, have you been eating the contents of the ash-trays again?  
  
POPPY: Only because I didn't have any money for peanuts. Boss when will I get paid? I've set you up good and proper with the local gangster population. You would've gone back to America with your tail between your legs if I hadn't helped you. Give us some dosh. Go on! The bar tender's gonna ban me if I don't start paying my tab soon.  
  
BOSS: You'll get paid when the Hoovers cough up the cash to get Twinkle-toes over there back safe and sound. Louie, fill her in on the details. I got some business to take care of in my office. When Poppy knows the score, you can start convincing Miss Hoover that it really is in her best interests to tell us that code!  
  
The Boss exits stage right. Miss Poppy flops back and collapses on Big Louie, who staggers under her weight. The scene freezes and lights dim to a total blackout. 


	2. Scene Two ~ Jimmy Blond's Office

SCENE TWO  
  
(Dark stage, then lights go up to reveal Jimmy Blond's office containing a desk and two chairs. One chair is behind the table and facing away from the audience. There is a figure sitting in it. It is Jimmy Blond, Private Eye. The scene is frozen and there is silence for a few seconds. then Jimmy-whilst still facing away from the audience- speaks.)  
  
JIMMY: This is a dirty city, filled with scum. There's hundreds of crimes being committed out there, by hundreds of criminals, and its my job to get rid of them. Babyface Harry, Shady Sam, Dirty Darrel, your next door neighbour could be one of them. Anyone could be a crook, except me, 'cause I'm the guy talking.(He turns in the chair to face the audience)The name's Blond. (Falters, and has to look at the nameplate on his desk to remember the rest of his name.)Jimmy Blond. Private Eye. Otherwise known as The Kidnap Kid, on account of I only take kidnapping cases - which means business is a bit slow when there are no kidnappings around. Right now is one of those times. I haven't had a case for months, seems every mob in London would rather rob a bank than kidnap some beautiful, wealthy, charming, innocent maiden for me to rescue.......  
  
(Jimmy gets a dreamy look on his face, and stares off into the distance beyond the audience, as if lost in thought. Suddenly there is a loud crash, and Detective Cat Spark (Sparky) bursts in through the door of the office. Jimmy jumps back as if stung, and quickly tries to regain his composure in front of his companion, who is breathing hard.)   
  
JIMMY: Hey there Sparky. What seems to be the trouble?  
  
SPARKY: (Panting) Jimmy.......case.......police station.........just heard.........work!!  
  
JIMMY: Whoa. Slow down there. Breathe. Take deep breaths. Now, what is it?  
  
SPARKY: Jimmy, I was just down at the police station-  
  
JIMMY: Oh not again Sparky! That's the fifth time this week! Remember what the Chief of police said he'd do to you if he caught you snooping around there again.  
  
SPARKY: He said he'd use my innards as a skipping rope. But its alright, he didn't catch me. I was really careful about that.  
  
JIMMY: I'm not surprised. That guy is built like a brick outhouse!  
  
SPARKY: Jimmy! You're not listening to me!  
  
JIMMY: Sorry Sparky.  
  
SPARKY: Well, like I said, I was down at the police station minding my own business when I just happened to find this file -  
  
JIMMY: And where was this file? Just lying around?  
  
SPARKY: Yes......(she looks guilty) in the Police Chief's office. Anyway, the police received a tip off that down by the old pier tonight, Babyface Harry and his gang are making a pick up of some stolen goods. Jimmy, we could go down there and arrest them all! Think about it!  
  
JIMMY: Hmmm.  
  
SPARKY: Well, what do you say?  
  
JIMMY: Are there any kidnappings involved?  
  
SPARKY: No.  
  
JIMMY: Any beautiful young women who may need snatching from the jaws of death in the nick of time by some dashing, handsome Private Detective?  
  
SPARKY: Not that I know of.  
  
JIMMY: Not even the tiniest little kidnapping? (Sparky shakes her head) No then.  
  
SPARKY: Jimmy, you've got to stop with this whole kidnap thing! There just aren't enough kidnappings in London for us to make a living out of. Look at me, I'm wasting away. The last meal I ate was a picture of a fish from a cookbook.  
  
JIMMY: Was it good?  
  
SPARKY: Needed salt.  
  
JIMMY: Sparky, I can't stop with the kidnappings. I'm just no good at anything else!  
  
SPARKY: You're no good at this either! Remember what happened last time you got a case? That sweet red-headed girl Shirley-  
  
JIMMY: Hey! She was fine after I rescued her!  
  
SPARKY: I think her psychiatrist would disagree with you! Then there was that brunette last July -  
  
JIMMY: You mean Tanya?  
  
SPARKY: I think you'll find her name is Sister Mary Clarence now.   
The truth is, Jimmy, you're just lazy! You never come down the station or onto the street with me to look for cases! Out there (She gestures outside) that's where the crimes are. You can't just expect work to fall into your lap, because real life doesn't work that way!  
  
(At that precise moment, the phone on Jimmy's desk rings. Both the Detective and his assistant jump at the noise, and then dive for the phone. After grappling for the receiver, Sparky grabs hold of it and puts it to her ear, but not before sticking out her tongue at Jimmy first)  
  
SPARKY: Hello, Jimmy Blond Investigations, how may I help you?  
  
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Is that Jimmy?  
  
SPARKY: No, this is his assistant, Cat Spark.  
  
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: What!? Get off the phone, I wanna talk to Jimmy!  
  
( Sparky stares into the receiver in disgust at the person on the other end. She holds out the phone to Jimmy - who is leaning eagerly on the table trying to hear what is being said - as if it is something that offends her.)   
  
SPARKY: It's for you.  
  
( He grabs the phone and presses it to his ear.)  
  
JIMMY: Hello?  
  
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Hello Jimmy.  
  
JIMMY: Who is this?  
  
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: I've got a case for you, Jimmy.  
  
JIMMY: A case?  
  
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Uh-huh. Young Lady Hoover has been kidnapped.  
  
JIMMY: Kidnapped!! Well that's right up my street.  
  
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: I know. That's why I called you.  
  
JIMMY: Who kidnapped her?  
  
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: A new American gang, called the Monkeys.  
  
JIMMY: The Monkeys?  
  
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Yeah. You know, like the Bulldogs, or the lions. Well these are the monkeys. They started moving in on London a couple of months back, and now their ready to go hot-shot with this ransom!  
  
JIMMY: And you want me to stop them.  
  
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Got it in one. You always were pretty smart.  
  
JIMMY: Wait a minute, who are you? (the receiver clicks and then the dial tone starts to hum. Whoever was on the line is gone.) Hello? Hello? They've gone. (He replaces the receiver and looks at Sparky. There is silence between them for a few seconds, then Jimmy breaks it when he speaks smugly;) You were saying, Sparky?  
  
(Freeze, and fade to blackout.) 


End file.
